I value family, love, joy, and time. I believe in a loving and understanding God. I KNOW that He loves me, and because He does, He has given me the opportunity to LEARN.
I have a basis of happiness in my personality. I enjoy laughing and going on spontaneous adventures. Those who do know me would deny the fact that I suffer with anxiety and depression. This has been a personal trial for me for a couple of years now. It is completely daunting and such an abstract thought that when I was first experiencing symptoms, I felt as if I was stumbling in a dark fog and didn't understand what I was feeling.
Now, let me be clear. I am not depressed. I am a daughter of God. I am happy. I am worthy. I am strong. I am POSITIVE. I experience waves of depression that are more difficult than I can fully explain, and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to completely conquer this.
The incredibly handsome man pictured here is my best friend. We were married just about two months, and I will tell you what, LIFE WITH MR. KENNARD IS SO FULFILLING. I love being married!! Not just because I have been that girl that daydreams about her prince charming, cries in Disney movies and simply LOVES love. Not just because I am going to Utah Valley University to get my degree in Family Studies. Not just because I come from the GREATEST family in this entire world and that my parents, brother, sister in-law, and nieces are my closest friends. But because His love helps me feel God's love more fully. My husband is my sweetheart and he supports me in every single aspect of my life. Those who know him describe him as the kindest person they have ever met, a stalwart missionary with a heart of gold. In short, I am very blessed to even be called his wife. It is an honor to be Mrs. Kennard, serving at his side and learning from him every day. It is everything I had hoped for AND more.
Then why? Why am I experiencing such darkness? Why do I get upset and up tight on the inside when on the outside I feel like I am on cloud nine? Why do I feel empty?
Like I said, I have been experiencing this for years now, however, my pride has kept me from seriously considering treatments. I am Janessa. The joyful, bubbly, outgoing, and positive girl that always had a smile on her face. I don't understand mental illness. How does an illness effect the INNER core of who a person is? To the very personality? It isn't fair.
One night, when we were engaged, I called off the wedding a couple weeks before the big day was planned. I came to my sweet with tears streaming down my cheeks. I explained to him that I didn't feel adequate to get married if I was personally struggling with depression. He looked at me, listened, and with his big, compassionate eyes that are truly so dreamy, he rejoiced. He rejoiced for me that I have this amazing opportunity to be able to get to know the Savior on such an intimate and personal level. He showed me that I will be able to access the Atonement on a daily basis and get to know Him better than in any other time in my life. He expressed that my communication with others and quickness to being kind will be heightened. As he validated my feelings and calmed my fears, I was able to recognize the light. We got married a couple weeks later and it was the GREATEST decision I have ever made.
I will be forever grateful for that man! He helps me feel that I am not my trials. They do not define who I am, but rather help me become a more experienced version of myself.
My hopes for this blog are to document the daily miracles. God is good.... ALL the time. He deserves to be recognized and praised more.
The purpose of this blog is to find JOY and PEACE. Laugh! Enjoy! Find strength in the little things. And to remember that this journey is BEAUTIFUL.
No comments:
Post a Comment